Expectant Mothers Tend To Get Emotional

I hope this isn't a downer for you all, but I really want to explain how I am feeling today.  So here it goes:

Since we accepeted the referral for "A" I have been torn between excited anticipation for our family and deep (to my core) sorrow for "A's" birth family, especially her mother.  It seems so unfair to me that our gain is their loss.  And even though I wholeheartedly believe in the amazing benefits of adoption, I cannot even imagine the pain that a mother must go through when she has to give up her child - not because she doesn't want the child, but because she can't feed the child.  As much as I have been praying for everything to go smoothly in this adoption, I have been praying even harder for some miracle that would allow "A's" birth family to stay together. 

Over the past few weeks I have also been struggling with putting together a photo album for "A's" birth mother, showing her a glimpse of our life and what "A's" life will be like when she is home with us.  But I am so paralyzed (for lack of a better word) by this task.  How am I supposed to do this in a way that would bless her and not add to her pain?   Even though I have come accross some great ideas from other adoptive parents, I still have not been able to get started. This is such a huge opportunity and responsibility that I really don't want to mess it up.  So in addition to my concern for the birth family, this project has also been weighing heavy on my heart.

All of this "stuff" hit home for me today while I was running around being "busy".  As most of you know, every other Tuesday is my free-day.  Samir has preschool and I don't have to work, so I schedule every imaginable appointment into those days and run around like a crazy person.  Don't get me wrong, they are filled with fun, selfish things like women's Bible study, spa treatments, shopping (alone), etc., so I look forward to my every-other Tuesday madness.  BUT today was different.

At Bible study I was giving everyone adoption updates when I got really emotional thinking that in the midst of all the congratulatory hugs I was receiving, "A's" mother would be in court in a few hours rescinding her parental rights to her beautiful daughter.  So I cried all through the second-half of Bible study (even the funny parts) and all the way out to my car.  Then, I cried all the way to each of my three appointments that I had scheduled for the day.  Normally, I am not a public crier (because I look really bad when I cry, so I try to spare the general public) but today I didn't really care - I just couldn't keep it in.  Even during the times when I wasn't crying, I looked really bad since my eyes were all red and swollen and my makeup was smeared.  People weren't quite sure what to do with me.  If they were nice enough to ask me if I was ok, I would try to explain to them why I was crying and then I would start crying even more.  YIKES - I WAS A MESS!  (I will post a funny story about this a little later.)

I literally could not stop thinking about and crying over the polarity between my life and the life of "A's" mother.  Please don't get me wrong - I don't feel guilty about having a free day and getting spa treatments, but I am very sad that people in this world are suffering simply because of where they were born.  I feel like I have such a huge responsibility to help, and I wish I could do so much more.

Over the course of the day, I also gained some (much needed) perspective over the little frustrations that I had recently allowed to consume my mental energy.  They are so ridiculous that you are going to think I am making this up, but I promise these have been some of my biggest "concerns" over the past few days:

• Not enough time to get all of the ironing done.
• I can't find the right shade of brown shoes to go with my new jeans.
• I have so much laundry to do because of all the new clothes I just bought.
• Why did they discontinue my favorite kind of bra?  Don't they know how hard it is to find a good bra?
• Why did they discontinue my favorite kind of panties?  Don't they know how hard it is to find good panties?
• Oh, look  .... my favorite panties are on the clearance rack for 90% off their normal price .... OH NO, they only come in Purple (Grape), Blue (Smurf) and Hot Pink (Hot Pink) colors! 
• I have been so "busy" that I haven't made it to the grocery store to get those few items that I want to add to my already fully stocked refrigerator. 
• When is the weather going to get better so I can lay out and get a tan?
• We really need to buy bedroom furniture, bedding and accessories for "A's" room.  Do I want dark wood or white wood furniture?
• I wonder if I will be able to find "A" some lady-bug rainboots to match mine?

Ok. I think you get the idea - I live a charmed life and am fortunate enough to get to "worry" about such trivial things.  It is such a huge contrast to the lives of many men and women around the world who have to worry if they will have enough food for their children, if they have enough water for their children (probably contaminated), if they have access to medicine to treat a multitude of easily treatable diseases and if they have the ability to keep their family intact if the answer to one of these questions is no.  It truly breaks my heart thinking about their struggles.  I have a feeling that I will be even more broken hearted once I see it first-hand in Ethiopia; although, I am really looking forward to it.  I am going to be changed forever by this adoption journey, and I am sure there will be more days when my emotions are leaking out my eyes as I run around being "busy".  But you know, I am expecting a beautiful 3 year old little girl and expectant mothers tend to get emotional!

I promise the next post will be lighthearted!  And just in case you were wondering, I am wearing purple underwear as I type this.  I haven't decided yet on the blue or hot pink for tomorrow.  (I didn't have the will-power to pass up 90% off!)